I passed by a woman who was walking fast on the dirt trail. I was not hurrying. There was a gentle breeze. The sun shined on my naked arm, did not hurt anymore, as used to. Today my skin enjoyed the feeling of sun touching it. I was pedaling slowly, listening Johnny Lee Hooker’s ‘Boom Boom’ song. I felt joy, from the tune of the song.
“I’m gonna shoot you right down,
Knock you off of your feet”
It was, as if green trees leaves, cloudless sky, and bright sunshine were telling me to be happy in the moment. The life is the sum of these small happiness. I was dancing on my bicycle to the rhythm of the music from my headphones. I had a huge smile on my face, whispering to myself, there are a lot of good days ahead for me.
For months I was searching, reading, and obeying strictly to my high protein diet, walking every days, riding bicycle and of course working! I was feeling good. Don’t I know my own body?
I know it. No one could know it more than me. The most important thing is to trust yourself, then go for it. Be persistent, work for whatever you believe in. Even you feel like whole world is against you, even when you are alone in your decision. Do not stop. The success is to be able to walk on that road. Even though everyone’s success criteria is different for others, mine was always within me.
I had to battle with my own fears, reach my own goals. Not to compete with others, more so dealing with society with my own terms.
I never hesitate to the raise bar. When I was a little girl, I grew up hearing: ‘Girls can not do this, girls do not behave like that, a women’s place can be only these’. etc. I stopped listening to them at a very early age. For me, a person’s ability to do something is never related to her or his gender. It is related to their mind.
I watched a young girl pass by me. She was running fast. I was in a happy mood; singing along to the song which I was listening to, Jose Feliciano’s song called ‘Gypsy’. With one differences: I made my own word for this song.
They lied to me
I came into this world by myself
I saw the clinic on my way
I see the long tough road
Doctors told me cancer
I thought about my life
My dear family and friends
They told me there will be chemo days
Watch out all the side effects
They said it is incurable
I choose not to cry
I choose to finding my own way
I ignored their opinion
They lied to me
They lied to me
They did not talk about nutrition
They did not talk about supplements
I exercise every day
I ride bicycle with music in my ears
I walked in the streets with lots of thoughts
I choose to be happy
I eat healthy
I open my heart to love
I dedicated to think positive
I laugh every day, watched a lot of comedy
I reach out to the life
I create my hope
I am in charge of my fate, not doctors
I found my happy path
I was riding in rhythm with Willamette river’s harmony.
I was singing my own version of the song and feeling so alive.
I was coming close to the hill. I took a deep breath. I did not even touch pedals, just glide towards the bottom. All my attention was towards the steep. I passed by cotton wood trees. When I hit the bottom, I started to pedal, counting one, two, three, then I stopped counting. Every bottom also have an upside.
I told myself “focus Nur, focus”.
Blue sky was above me. White puffy clouds were creating shadow for me in a hot August day. A blue jay was watching me from a thick branch. The only sound came from my wheels rotating across on the ground. They kept turning. My feet kept moving, I was up on the hill. I did it! I did not get off the bicycle, I did not stopped, I was able to ride on the hill!
It was easy after this point. Only 6 miles to go. It should take about 40 minutes the whole ride. There was only one hill part. One hand on my handlebar, with other, I grabbed my water bottle. I drank a bit. My eyes were on the path. See if I want really bad, I could do it. You have to want something, then work on it. That was my life philosophy.
I have been thinking about Cervantes. Of course I was not fighting with windmills. My battle was people’s huge ego. I never liked when people are believing so strongly and they are so sure of they can not be wrong. They eliminate questioning from their life. They are so sure that their belief is the ultimate truth. Therefore you should not be question about it. Any authoritarian interacts usually is one way. There is not equality there. Such as government’s role with an individual. A doctor’s role with a patient. Doctors follow certain procedure on a patient. The patient on the other hand, tries to explain the symptom to the doctor as much as possible. What if the doctor does not listen to you? How do you feel about that? What would you do?
Three years ago when I started my cancer treatment, I knew I should stay away from egomaniacal people. If I am alive today, this decision helped me quite a lot.
When doctors told me there was nothing they could to do for my case. I put myself in a high protein diet. I stopped listening all negative thoughts, advises, continued my daily exercise, walking and riding bicycle. I took second time 6 more heavy chemo therapy. Nine months ago, an oncologist told me I was going to die in a year. Dear doctor are you ready to be dead wrong of your assumption?
Once I completed a year, I am planning to send a most decorative card to her. I am going to write inside the card, what she should do about her statistical data. I think it will be a shameless suggestion. One can have a dream, and hope. Everything starts with hope and continue with it.
So what is the lesson here? You should be never so sure of anything and always leave a room for benefit of doubt. Every experiment can have a statistic outlier. I was happy to be outlier. I passed the railroad, came to my street. I took the post box key out of my pocket. I got all the mails. I parked my bicycle into the garage. I went to my small garden. I sat in the chair across from the cherry tomatoes. I was feeling good. I was feeling grateful that I had my good health. My body was a bit tired from riding but my soul was so happy to feel alive. I had full of energy, that meant a lot to me. I climbed one hill without stopping, more to come in the life. Never give up.
I picked the long envelope which had my cancer clinic’s address label on it. It was the result of my last PET scan. I read it quickly.
I got the result I was expecting so. I guess the cancer will have to look for new victims. I refused to be survivor, nor victim.
I still have a long journey to take.
I’m a winner.
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